My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
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[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Breaking news:
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
my professor scared me for a second
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft