My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
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[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
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“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.