@HallpassCanada

My phone dies quicker than the black guy in a horror movie.

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@LaziestCanine

A fish’s Google search history:
– do fish have short term memory?
– do fish have short term memory?
– do fish have short term memory?

@tigersgoroooar

Me: I love you
Him: you just drank 1/4 of your beer through your nostril
Me: that is also true

@GuyThe_Guy

My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.

@Playing_Dad

Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl?
Government: Sorry, no
Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets?
G: Lol, of course

@TheMichaelRock

When I’m a ghost, I’m just gonna go around unplugging phones while people sleep.

@stephenjmolloy

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

@Cheeseboy22

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

@MatCro

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

@JohnLyonTweets

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.