4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
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*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open