My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
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Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie