@ColesTwitt3r
i made a craigslist ad !
@prufrockluvsong
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
You Might Also Like
@ColesTwitt3r
@fireland
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
@iinkedZombie
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
@Holbornlolz
@calamitydaisy
If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?
@Mr_Kapowski
*scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk*
“Wait just one damn minute”
– How horchata was born
@njlitigator
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
@sixfootcandy
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
@jnrbtsn
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it’s all screaming and shit.
@UncleDuke1969
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”