i made a craigslist ad !
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n
me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
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One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?
*scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk*
“Wait just one damn minute”
– How horchata was born
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it’s all screaming and shit.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”