@prufrockluvsong

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

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@fireland

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

@calamitydaisy

If you cannot afford a stenographer, a 4 year old will be appointed for you to repeat exactly what you said at all times. Do you understand?

@Mr_Kapowski

*scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk*

“Wait just one damn minute”

– How horchata was born

@njlitigator

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

@sixfootcandy

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

@jnrbtsn

He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it’s all screaming and shit.

@UncleDuke1969

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”