my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
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The photographer’s assistant
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music