“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
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I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?