“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

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“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.


Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.


snape: how will we protect the stone

dumbledore: obstacles that only a powerful wizard could beat

snape: so like hypothetically 3 twelve year olds couldnt beat them



dumbledore: i mean i hope not


Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.


Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again


Wondering why we have 50 candidates for Miss America, but only 2 for president. Also, why no swimsuit competition?


Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!


I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.


I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.


My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”