My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
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Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth