My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

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[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder


Dude on the street corner was like $5 for a sandwich? And he didn’t even have a sandwich is why I have trust issues


Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?

Friend: …


The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.


My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.


{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco


Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.


Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?


[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears


Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.