@BubblesnBooze

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

You Might Also Like

@david8hughes

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

@TedInModeration

Dude on the street corner was like $5 for a sandwich? And he didn’t even have a sandwich is why I have trust issues

@Marlebean

Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?

Friend: …

@storming01

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

@BradBroaddus

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

@AmericanGent69

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

@skitzoette

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

@UncleDuke1969

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

@frogpissmouth

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

@TheAlexNevil

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.