My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
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me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Watson was Holmes schooled
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more