ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren’t there Japanese horror films that start this way?
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Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Taken 9 (2021): She got married she’s with her husband relax man
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Alex: This floats your boat.
Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy?
Alex: I’m sorry. The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 36: Has one tiny little sip of water after 9 PM and has to get up and pee two times before 2 AM.