@EamonToPlease

My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren’t there Japanese horror films that start this way?

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@cavaticat

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

@DzNutz83

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

@Gupton68

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

@AbbyHasIssues

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

@stewnami

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

@carlyken

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

@cbdoubleu

Jeopardy]

Alex: This floats your boat.

Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy?

Alex: I’m sorry. The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.

@3sunzzz

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

@AbbyHasIssues

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 36: Has one tiny little sip of water after 9 PM and has to get up and pee two times before 2 AM.