Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
You Might Also Like
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
huge if true: the moon
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.