My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren’t there Japanese horror films that start this way?

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ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream


Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.


Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*


Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream


I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.


“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”



Alex: This floats your boat.

Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy?

Alex: I’m sorry. The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.


Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.


Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 36: Has one tiny little sip of water after 9 PM and has to get up and pee two times before 2 AM.