My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
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Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Social distancing in Australia:
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Breaking news:
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
This 4th of July, please remember…