Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
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The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…