Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
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Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Oh deer
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby