My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
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*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
This is why I hate group projects
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Nomnomnomnom
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.