My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
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I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!