My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
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SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Is this a threat?
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.