My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
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I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Social Media and Real life
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.