In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
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me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings