@Cherry_Row

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

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@Cpin42

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

@iwearaonesie

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

@Token_Geezer

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

@benicus_rex

WHAT DO WE WANT
to stop shrinking
???? ?? ?? ???? ??
?? ???? ?? ???????? ??????

@fightforfood

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

@Marlebean

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

@heatherlou_

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.