“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.


wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam


If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”


to stop shrinking
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Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.


Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.


Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.