“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
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As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
i- i did not expect this
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
do what now??