My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
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Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Buying a well is money well spent.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too