My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
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*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late