My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

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M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.


Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.


[one month later]
Sorry, just got your text. Do you still want to break up?


If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”


Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!


I walk in a zig zag to avoid sniper bullets and crocodiles. And because I am drunk.


[getting moidered]
is this because i’m from new joisey?


Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.


I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.