Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@3sunzzz

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

@asadaly_

Worlds greatest photobomb

@TheTweetOfGod

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

@Sassafrantz

[one month later]
Sorry, just got your text. Do you still want to break up?

@NYC_Blonde

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

@mommywhitfield

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

@LittleMissAngr1

I walk in a zig zag to avoid sniper bullets and crocodiles. And because I am drunk.

@G_Faylor

[getting moidered]
is this because i’m from new joisey?

@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@AndyAsAdjective

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.