My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

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Millions are killed each year because they go potty without checking behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.


(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂


straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:


her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam


Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.


a conspiracy: all these dudes on tinder are actually holding the same fish. they just ship it to each other when they need a new photo because they can’t actually catch one


If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness


The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014


My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.


My pants are so tight I’m legitimately afraid they won’t fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.