do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.