Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.
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I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
YOU: Please be aware–
ME: I’m not. I never will be. I’ve never even SEEN a “ware”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
[after frodo throws the ring into the volcano]
VOLCANO: omg yes!
FRODO: i love you
VOLCANO: i love you too
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
My friend David recently lost his ID. Now we just call him dav.