Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
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My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.
See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[1st day as undercover cop]
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
Brain: We’ve got lots to do today.
Body: You’re on your own buddy.
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.