My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
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I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.