My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread


me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol


Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before


GOLDFISH: i swear i’ll have your money by tomorrow


GOLDFISH: who are you?

GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where’s my mon


I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.


wife: if i ever hear you say “teethbrush” again I’m leaving you, no one cares that it should be plural

me: sure, sounds great!

wife: you don’t even care?

me: oh did you say something? [takes out earbuds] i was talking on my blueteeth


The fact that people use the wrong “your,” “there,” “it’s” and “its” yet spell “Bieber” correctly just kills me.


I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.


Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.


if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die


My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.