My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

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My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.


Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.


Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows


Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.


Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”


[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”


[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*


*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.