*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
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I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
this has done me in for some reason
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me