Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
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[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it