My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.

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Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet


Being an asian and explaining your extended family tree is confusing af, man I’m a niece to a 2 year old 😭


My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?


Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.


Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.


Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no


The fact that McDonald’s didn’t name their customer service “Arch Support” feels like a big ol missed opportunity.


I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.


Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.