Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
You Might Also Like
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
why would tinder want me to say this
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.