My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
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Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
¯_(ツ)_/¯
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.