My plan to reduce shark attacks. Get them hooked on meth. Getting gummed by a toothless shark probably tickles.

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When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.


*During traffic stop

Cop: “My partner is indicating to me that you might be in possession of drugs.”

Me (pointing down): “You mean him?”

C: “Yes, him!”

M: “So your dog talks to you, and I’m the one who’s high?”

C: *Stun guns me*


Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”


Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind


Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.


We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”


The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol


Guys, leave 3 notes scattered around ur house for ur girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, & “me.” That’ll keep her busy while u watch sports.