Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?