My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
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A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too