My plans: 2020:
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[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
2 years later
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.