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@Fred_Delicious

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

@KylePlantEmoji

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

@lisaxy424

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

@FuckabillyRex

If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.

@DaddyJew

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

@TheHyyyype

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

@stephenjmolloy

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

@AndyAsAdjective

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*