My Plans 2020
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her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.