wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
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I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans