My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
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Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.