My plans must be so fat they never work out.

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The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower


I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19


Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this


[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?


Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird


Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.


I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.


sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people


[walks into bookstore]

Me: do you have any books on turtles?

Worker: Hard back?

Me: Yeah, with little heads.


Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.