The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My plans must be so fat they never work out.
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I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
[walks into bookstore]
Me: do you have any books on turtles?
Worker: Hard back?
Me: Yeah, with little heads.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.