Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”