My plans must be so fat they never work out.

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*walks up to IKEA return counter

*rips receipt into tiny pieces

*tells the clerk to put it together himself


Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”


I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they’ve already seen me coming.


Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down


INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no


Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.


When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.


*breathes on window creating condensation

*starts to write in condensation


*head slams into window and breaks it


I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.