my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
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My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Never be a pizza!
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
seems like a niche market
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup