@notfaizzy

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

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@Cpin42

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

@CM2BTTHD

Co-worker had a meltdown over someone having a b-day cake. Said since she has no willpower, stop bringing cake in. Tonight, baking cookies.

@heybuddy_comic

boss: teamwork is very important

workers: [unionize]

boss: not like that

@InternetHippo

[my cell phone rings]

ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening

@SammySkinns

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

@drhappyknuckles

*couples therapy*

WIFE: He has become extremely cold and distant.

HUSBAND (via skype, from an arctic research base): Not true.

@Skoog

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

@Boozemunkee

If poison expires is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

@pleatedjeans

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

@FunnyBison

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”