@BlindVigil

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

You Might Also Like

@PaperWash

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

@WheelTod

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

@clichedout

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

@JasonNotEvil

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

@Tommytoughstuff

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

@Doughbvy

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

@SenseiSandwich

*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”

@NewDadNotes

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

@pplwtching

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.