[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”
Commas can make a world of difference…
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I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.