“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
You Might Also Like
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”