Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig.
It’s not a very good poem, but it’s very deep.
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March didn’t kill you but April may.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Mom: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me: Of course…we have free healthcare.