Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
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Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.