My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

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Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.


What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.


I do a spot-on impersonation of Linda Blair in The Exorcist whenever a drive-thru cashier asks me to pull ahead bc my order isn’t ready.


Hi I’m Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can’t kick a football. I’d like to talk to you for a second about insurance


A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.


Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news


I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.


How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.


Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.