My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
🚲+physics = winner
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you