@JoshuaFlail

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

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@jwoodham

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

@JohnLyonTweets

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.

@EyeSeeYou619

I do a spot-on impersonation of Linda Blair in The Exorcist whenever a drive-thru cashier asks me to pull ahead bc my order isn’t ready.

@briangaar

Hi I’m Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can’t kick a football. I’d like to talk to you for a second about insurance

@UnFitz

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

@Unlucky_Ninja

Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news

@baeblacksheep

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

@sambaintv

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

@Love_bug1016

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.