Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
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If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
The struggle is real
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone