My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana

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i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives


Dating you makes me want to be a better person. So I can date better people.


My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?


Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad


Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever


You think your life is uncomfortable?

My gynecologist lives four doors down from me.


I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.


Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.