Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
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Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?