My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
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man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
j o i m p
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.