my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
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I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Breaking news:
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.