my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
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This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?