My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Morning.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw