@nayele18maybe

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

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@ArfMeasures

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

@RatchetAfrican

Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not…

@djdarrellripley

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

@SgunSuperman

It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.

@robfee

The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls

@ArfMeasures

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

@facciabella

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

@ArfMeasures

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

@SgtButtCheeks

I forget what I used to do with my arms before I got my iPhone.

Did I hang them down by my side?

Straight above my head?

I really forget.