[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?
ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
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Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not…
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.
The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first
GUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot
Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I forget what I used to do with my arms before I got my iPhone.
Did I hang them down by my side?
Straight above my head?
I really forget.
Balls Deep is not a accurate form of measurement.