MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
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In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift