If anyone needs any morals, I have some I’m not using.
My primary physician says I need to eat more ice cream sandwiches and this is why my seven year old is my primary physician.
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elon musk is what happens when the ghost of a 14 y/o who died in 2011 and the ghost of a 19th century oil baron try to possess the same body
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.
*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.