@ChabbyD

My primary physician says I need to eat more ice cream sandwiches and this is why my seven year old is my primary physician.

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@DrakeGatsby

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

@joejwest

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

@ThePocketJustin

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

@StewieTea2

I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs

But it’s all gone to shit now

@abbycohenwl

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

@RaylaRimpson

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

@Smug_Lemur

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

@dshack8

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

@D2BMcG

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…