My primary physician says I need to eat more ice cream sandwiches and this is why my seven year old is my primary physician.

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If anyone needs any morals, I have some I’m not using.


elon musk is what happens when the ghost of a 14 y/o who died in 2011 and the ghost of a 19th century oil baron try to possess the same body


The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol


Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes


Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.


Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team


took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name


*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.

*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.