My primary physician says I need to eat more ice cream sandwiches and this is why my seven year old is my primary physician.

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The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude


MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool


Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?


I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs

But it’s all gone to shit now


What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?


My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.


Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.


Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.


Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…