My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
You Might Also Like
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.