My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

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Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.


If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity


Husband bought both kids lightsabers that make 7 different sounds, loudly.

It was really nice knowing you all. Hopefully I can tweet from prison.


[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5


I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you’re right fellas, men are smarter than women.


If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.


“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”


“this has never happened before”
is that a yes or no?
“let me check”
[talks into radio]
“steve can we let a dog on the rollercoaster?”



Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards