My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
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GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter