My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
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Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
What if all the cashiers are married?
Just a friendly reminder!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine