@Lou16em

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

You Might Also Like

@FO_ASchatz

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

@BoomBoomBetty

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

@ewfeez

LIFE HACK: A pancake makes a great and edible mouse pad.

@lil_aracuan

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

@E_lok44

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

@Token_Geezer

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

@djdarrellripley

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

@shkeeber

Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich!
Judge: What?
M: I plead insanity.
J: You’re a juror.
Me: Can I go?
J: No.
M: OBJECTION!

@stevevsninjas

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

@VerifiedDrunk

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend