My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
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Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.