My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

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I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.


I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.


LIFE HACK: A pancake makes a great and edible mouse pad.


There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p


He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.


Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers


Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!


Me: Objection! The plaintiff is a bologna sandwich!
Judge: What?
M: I plead insanity.
J: You’re a juror.
Me: Can I go?
J: No.


So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.


Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend