Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
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We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
bias laundering edition
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…